When things can get really damn shitty....

... this post is dedicated to everybody who thinks my life is a paradise.. It is, but there are "those" things that just throw me off the board ... And this is definately one of them....

So it all started off on Thursday when my whole family left for the weekend, Lisa and mom flew to South Padre to go to the beach and Dalton and dad went on a lease which is like 2.5 hours away. And i was gonna go to Austin for the weekend with some of my friends... Well that whole thing fell through so i cancelled my hotel reservation in the last minute and decided not to go. It was just turning into a huge mess. Every little sign was telling to just blow it and go the next time with only Jamie and Alecia. So later, around 4 i picked Jamie up and she came over. I had the whole house only to myself, what a blessing... Thats what i was thinking then...

Soooo since i didnt get to go to Austin, i was thinking we can have our little party today! We started off drinking my Smirnoff Ices, those little bottles of happiness. We were sitting outside, smoking cigrarettes, drinking and talking. We see each other so often and we still have shit to talk about all the time. So an hour goes by, and we are done with the booze. Jamie was like, lets go to goodie goodie liquer (damit, i dont know how to spell it). We wanted to walk there (its safer) its like .3 miles away (people dont walk here, ever. Only for exrcise). But then again... we would have looked like 2 drunkies in the middle of the day, walking down the road with a paper bag full of alcohol. Jamie said she will drive. Jamie, age 26, was kicked out because she didnt have her ID with her.. hahaaa.. So i bought a whole bottle of Champaigne for myself and a sixpack of beer for Jamie. THen we went to the cigarette store to get some flavored cigarettes. I swear this guy was jerking off when we entered the store.. We got back home, and soon our coworker came by, to get the dogs, she was gonna take care of them. I was like, shoot, this i great! I tried to get my act together and act sober... we will hear on monday how great i did.. But she is like 50 i am 23, she doesnt have to understand me... Drinking on thursday... on the other hand thursday is a college night for gods sake, i just started a little earlier. This was akward, because she was asking a bunch of questions. I was gonna pretend i wasnt there and hide in my room, but i know Jamie, she is loud and can not shut up :D THe coworker left and we opened a bottle of champaigne! THe conversation got very intense and the time flew by faaast and suddenly it was 7 oclock and i remembered i had a dinner planned with Jeff, ROss and Alecia. So i txt-d Jeff to ask him to pick up the tipsy teen. I was toasted... It is soo funny to be toasted when the sun is still up. Its just doesnt feel right.

So JEff thought i was hilarious, i didnt think anything! So i tried to sober up a little bit at the dinner, and didnt drink anything but icetea, which really made me sick to my stomach! The dinner was good! Jeff drove me home, i was still lil tipsy and almost ready to go to bed.

As i entered the house, i felt so scared. THe house looked so creepy and was afraid somebody was in the house. I triplechecked every room, shut all the doors, the balcony doors Everything! TO calm down i watched a movie for a little bit and was ready to go to bed. I left some of the lights on, just in case. And closed all the blinds on the windos in kitchen. i even locked my bedroom door! I took a tylenor PM to go to sleep, because my heart was beating and i was just terrified! Im scared to be in that house by myself, because things DO happen around here!

So i go to bed, fall asleep... exactly 12.45 i wake up, because i hear knocking on the door, downstairs... Then a minute later i hear a knocking on the door on my bedroom door!!! Im almost crying im so scared. Then i wake up and listen for a moment, and there was nothing there. It was all in my head, because i was half asleep! When you are half asleep you start feeling and hearing things which are not real. Even though i knew it was not real, i was still sooo fucking scared i hold my breath and didnt even move for 30 minutes. I was burning up, my phone died. My escaping plans were running through my head! THe first plan was to jump down the balcony and run to our neighbours house, climb over the fence and pray that their door facing the yard is opened. But the problem was i was butt naked... THen i remembered i had paintball guns in my closet, so i figured i would go there, close it and get the guns ready and shoot the hell out of the person who enters the room... the bad news is that i think you need bullets and a gas tank to do that, and i wasnt sure if i had seen those in the closet... So i decided to just keep telling myself that the odds of someone wanting steel something and coming to the house today is pretty slim.. Then again, my dads truck wasnt in the driveway therefore people would assume there isnt a man in the house that night so they might take advantage of it... So i just keep telling myself, that even if the worst scenario happens, then.. I might just talk to the folks and tell them that we have cameras all over the house and he will never get away with it...

All those past news i have been reading about people coming into your hourse through the garage door, or just breaking in and shooting every living thing in there, families getting shot in the middle of the night and shit like that. News and scary movies are out of my life for a loooong time.

Nothing helped so i just thought that if i need to die this way, then there is nothing i can do to stop it. What happens happens, so I just there waiting for someone to come and shoot my brains out! I was still scared to move... i was covered in sweat and was thirsty as hell!

Around 1.45 finally had calmed down a bit to finally move and go to the drawer to take another Tylenol PM, i took it without water, cause in no way in the living hell i would have leave the room!!! I went back to bed and still my heart was beating so bad and i literally thought i was gonna die in fear! I thought i could get an adrenaline poisoning! It was that bad! I couldnt call anyone, i was scared to make a noise, plus my battery was almost dead and the charger was downstairs. I could txt anyone because who would read their txt-s in the middle of the night. It was absolutely beyond the most horrifying experience in my life!

I promised not to do anything bad EVER again, cause i felt i was being punished for something i had done. But i could not figure out what it could have been, because i dont think any living person (besides Hitler and other similar shitholes) could possibly to something soo horrible to deserve this! I am not exaggerating!

I just wanted to go back to sleep, so whatever happens, happens. And its so much better to die when you are asleep. But then again... things can really get shitty when you actually are asleep, or half asleep. In your dreams you can go through dying more than once, you can die in your dreams ten times and every single time you think its real. So i wasnt really sure what i wanted anymore, but the sleeping pill was in me, there was nothing i could have done about it now..

Around 3 i finally was able to go back to sleep.. i starting to have those wierd visions (In half sleep), im not even sure what they were.. like my real mom came to me, and i could feel (yes, i saw her and i felt her, it was the freakiest thing you will ever experience) her hugging me and holding me, but she didnt say anything.. Then i felt something else, but i dont remember what it was. I woke up this morning around 9.30 and i was soo happy that it was finally morning! In no way i will stay by myself in a house ever again! EVER!!! No matter what.. id rather get arrested and spend a night in jail than to go through that nightmare again..

Those who finished reading this entry and still think i am emotionally balanced person, congratulations, you are just probably as screwed up as i am.

I emotionally died 24 times this night!